What Are Values, and Why Do They Matter?
Ever feel like you're just going through the motions, unsure of what really matters? Do you ever feel like your life is just an endless to-do list? That’s where values come in! Values are answers to questions like, "how do I want to show up in my life?", and "what would the person I most want to be do, and how would they do it?" Values are like an inner compass—they guide us towards what matters most to us, and help us know when we're off track. They’re not about what you “should” do, but about what you most want to do, and about the qualities you most want to bring into how you live your life.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values play a huge role in helping people build a life that feels meaningful. Instead of getting stuck fighting off uncomfortable thoughts or emotions, ACT encourages you to focus on what really counts and take steps toward it—no matter what challenges come your way.
What Values Are NOT
To really understand values, let’s clear up a few misconceptions:
Values Are Not Goals – Goals are things you achieve (like finishing a marathon), but values are ongoing (like leading an active, healthy life). You can check a goal off your list, but values are something you live by every day.
Values Are Not Feelings – Feelings come and go, but values stick around. Even when you’re feeling unmotivated or down, you can still choose to act in line with your values.
Values Are Not What Others Expect of You – Your values should be yours, not what society, your family, or your peers think you “should” prioritize.
Values Are Not Rules – Rules are rigid, while values are flexible. They help you navigate challenges in a way that feels right for you.
Why Bother Clarifying Your Values?
When we’re disconnected from our values, our lives can be less satisfying than is possible for us. You might:
Feel unfulfilled or empty, even if things look "good on paper".
Make choices based on "defaults" to seek pleasure and avoid pain in the moment, rather than what is most important and meaningful to you.
Struggle with motivation or direction.
React impulsively to emotions instead of acting intentionally.
On the flip side, when you’re clear on your values, you:
Build resilience – Values give you a sense of purpose, making it easier to push through tough times.
Make better decisions – You’ll feel more confident choosing paths that truly align with who you are.
Feel more fulfilled – Even when life isn’t perfect, living by your values brings a deep sense of satisfaction.
Stop avoiding discomfort or chasing unfulfilling pleasures – Instead of running from hard emotions, you can focus on what matters most.
How Can I Start Clarifying My Values?
If you’re not sure what your values are, don’t worry—you’re not alone! There are many, many ways to clarify our values. Here are a few of my go-to's:
Ask yourself the question, "What would the person I want to be do (in this situation/moment)?" This is a great, flexible question for helping us get in touch with what is most important to us, and how we want to "show up". We can ask ourselves this anytime we're feeling lost, of unsure of what is most important. I sometimes try to drop it into my day as a kind of "intentionality check".
Journal about people you admire. What do you admire about them? What do they do that you admire, and how do they do it? Make a list of values based on this, then write about what it would look like if you brought those qualities into your life.
Journal at the end of the day about when you were or were not showing up how you wanted to. Do this in a curious way without judgement (judgment doesn't help us connect with our values, it just shuts us down!). Describe what about how you showed up did or did not reflect who you want to be, and why. If you repeat this over time, your "inner values compass" will get clearer and clearer in daily life.
Turning Values into Action
Once you have a clearer idea of your values, the next step is to start living by them—bit by bit. No need for huge life changes overnight. Small, intentional choices make all the difference.
For example:
If you value connection, make a point to check in with a friend regularly.
If you value growth, set aside time each week to learn something new.
If you value kindness, look for ways to help others, even in small ways.
Living by your values won’t always be easy, but it will be worth it. Even on the hard days, knowing you’re making choices that align with who you truly are can make all the difference.
Need Help Figuring Out Your Values?
If you’re feeling lost or unsure about what really matters to you, that’s okay—figuring out your values is a journey. And you don’t have to do it alone. If you’d like support in clarifying your values and building a more meaningful life, I’d love to help. Reach out anytime, and let’s talk!
