Embracing What Is: The Power of Acceptance in ACT
What is Acceptance in ACT?
When life presents us with pain—whether in the form of anxiety, grief, self-doubt, or difficult memories—it’s natural to want to push it away. Many of us spend years avoiding discomfort, trying to suppress unpleasant emotions, or distracting ourselves from painful thoughts. But what if struggling against discomfort only deepens our suffering? In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the main model of therapy I use in my practice, we take a different approach. Instead of resisting painful emotions, we learn to make space for them, treating them with curiosity and openness rather than trying to control them or push them away. This is the essence of acceptance in ACT.
What Acceptance is NOT
"Hold on", you might be saying, "I don't want to 'accept' what I'm going through and feeling, I want to feel BETTER!". I totally get this, and I want you to know that I want you to feel better, too. Before we talk more about acceptance, let's clarify what acceptance is NOT:
Acceptance is not:
Liking or wanting our pain. I don't know anyone who likes or wants to feel pain. Acceptance is more about letting what is already painful be as it is, rather than getting into a struggle with it, or avoiding it in ways that make things worse (more on this below). We're not talking about seeking out pain just for the sake of it, or liking it when it shows up. We're talking about letting it be there when it's already here, rather than getting into an unworkable struggle with it.
Accepting our circumstances. When we talk about acceptance in ACT, we mean acceptance of our internal experience, not our external circumstances. ACT is all about taking effective action to improve our lives, and would not recommend passively accepting life circumstances or situations that do not work for us. Instead, we would suggest actively working to make change, and allowing the discomfort to be there along the way, rather than avoiding making positive change because of the painful feelings that come with our change efforts (which is what we often do!).
Resigning, or giving up. On some level, the word "acceptance" is an unfortunate word choice, because of the connotations the word has in some contexts. Phrases like "just accept it" can imply a kind of "suck it up and move on" attitude. That implies a kind of gritting our teeth and pushing through, and/or forcing ourselves to willfully push away the pain. In ACT, accepting internal experiences we don't like or want, such as fear or shame, is about choosing to let them be there, rather than struggling with them, so that we can do more of what matters to us. It is an active choice, and is very different than complying with an admonition to "just accept it".
Avoidance: The Cost of Fighting Reality
The alternative to acceptance is experiential avoidance—a pattern of trying to escape, control, or suppress unwanted thoughts and feelings. While avoidance might provide short-term relief, it often creates long-term suffering.
For example:
A person with social anxiety may avoid social events, leading to loneliness and disconnection.
Someone struggling with grief might suppress their emotions, making the healing process even more painful.
A person dealing with intrusive thoughts may try to push them away, only to have them come back stronger.
That being said, it's important to note that avoidance is not always bad. Sometimes it is helpful to avoid our uncomfortable internal experiences. For instance, as I was typing this, I shifted in my chair a bit because my legs were feeling uncomfortable, and I am enjoying the relief I got from this avoidance move. Aahhhh…. Sweet however. However, when avoidance is excessive, automatic, or when we apply it in situations where it is impossible (such as trying to permanently suppress our unwanted thoughts), it can cause us massive suffering. When we are too focused on avoiding unpleasant internal experiences at the cost of what is most important to us, our life gets smaller. By resisting discomfort, we paradoxically give it more power over us. ACT teaches that the more we try to control our internal experiences, the more they control us.
How Acceptance Fits into ACT and Psychological Flexibility
ACT is built around the concept of psychological flexibility—the ability to be present, open up to our internal experience just as they are, and to engage in meaningful action, even in the presence of discomfort. Acceptance is a core component of psychological flexibility because it helps us:
Let go of the excessive struggle against painful emotions
Make room for discomfort while still taking action toward our values
Focus more on what truly matters, rather than focusing our attention on getting away from unpleasant thoughts and feelings (our default mode when in the face of discomfort or perceived threat)
Imagine you are holding a beach ball underwater. The harder you push it down, the stronger it pushes back. Eventually, it bursts out of the water, often more forcefully than before. This is how excessive, problematic avoidance works. Acceptance, on the other hand, is like allowing the beach ball to float next to you—it’s still there, but it no longer dominates your energy and focus. You can swim around wherever you want, even as the beach ball is bobbing around in the water around you.
Practical Ways to Practice Acceptance
If you’re new to the idea of acceptance, you might be wondering how to put it into practice. Here are a few simple ways to start:
Mindful Awareness
Notice your emotions and thoughts without judging them. Instead of labeling emotions as “good” or “bad,” try observing them like a curious scientist.
Allowing Discomfort
When you experience anxiety, sadness, or anger, try naming it: “I am feeling anxious right now.” Then, see if you can bring an intention to let it be there, just as it is. You might say, "I can let this be here", and then just notice what it's like to experience the feeling.
Self-Compassion
Speak to yourself as you would a close friend. If you’re experiencing a painful emotion, try saying, “It makes sense that I feel this way right now. I can allow this feeling to be here.” Say this to yourself not to make it go away, but to help yourself make room for it.
Ready to Explore Acceptance in Your Own Life?
Acceptance is not about eliminating pain—it’s about creating a bigger life that can hold both joy and discomfort. By practicing acceptance, we build resilience, emotional flexibility, and a deeper connection with what truly matters.
If you’re ready to learn how to stop struggling with your emotions and start living a more fulfilling life, therapy can help. Reach out today for a free consultation. Together, we can explore how ACT can help you cultivate acceptance, psychological flexibility, and a life guided by your values.
